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Questions for couples to ask each other
Sixty questions for couples — light, deep, and long-distance — plus how to do the famous Aron 36 questions. The trick is consistency: one honest question a day does more than a long talk once a month.
How to do the 36 questions that lead to love
Psychologist Arthur Aron’s 1997 study found 36 escalating questions, asked in order, created measurable closeness between strangers. Here is the method, in four steps.
- 1Set aside about 45 minutes, just the two of you. Find a quiet, undistracted window. The 36 questions work best in one sitting — in person or on a video call for long-distance couples.
- 2Take turns answering, in order. Both partners answer each question before moving on. The questions are designed to escalate in vulnerability, so the order matters — do not skip ahead.
- 3Work through all three sets. The 36 questions come in three sets that get progressively more personal. Move through them in sequence over the session.
- 4End with four minutes of eye contact. Aron’s original study closed with partners looking into each other’s eyes for four minutes. It feels awkward for about thirty seconds, then it does not.
Light questions to warm up
Low-stakes and fun — good for a daily ritual or a slow morning.
- ♥What is the most-played song in your library right now?
- ♥If we could teleport anywhere for dinner tonight, where would we go?
- ♥What is one tiny thing I do that you love?
- ♥What was the best part of your day today?
- ♥What is your most-used emoji, and why?
- ♥What small thing are you looking forward to this week?
- ♥If you had to eat one cuisine forever, which would it be?
- ♥What is your favorite memory of us from this month?
- ♥What is a comfort show you would rewatch with me?
- ♥What would your perfect lazy Sunday with me look like?
Deeper questions for established couples
Save these for a quiet half hour. They reveal things small talk never reaches.
- ♥What is something I do that surprises you, even now?
- ♥When do you feel most loved by me?
- ♥What is something you are a little afraid to ask me but want to?
- ♥What does our relationship give you that nothing else does?
- ♥What is one thing you wish we did more of?
- ♥When did you know we were going to be a long-term thing?
- ♥What is a fear about our future you have not told me?
- ♥What is one thing you would never want to change about us?
- ♥What is a way I have helped you grow?
- ♥What does “home” mean to you — and am I part of it?
Questions for long-distance couples
Distance changes the questions. These help you stay close across time zones.
- ♥What is one ordinary moment from today you wish I had been there for?
- ♥What is the first thing you want to do when we are next together?
- ♥How do you want me to show up for you on a hard day, from far away?
- ♥What is a small ritual we could share at the same time, in two places?
- ♥What part of the distance is hardest for you right now?
- ♥What is something you are proud of this week that I missed?
- ♥How will we know it is time to close the distance?
- ♥What does a normal day in your life look like that I never get to see?
The famous Aron 36 — a starting set
Arthur Aron’s 1997 study found that 36 escalating questions generated measurable closeness between strangers. Here are a few from the first set to begin with.
- ♥Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
- ♥Would you like to be famous? In what way?
- ♥Before making a phone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
- ♥What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?
- ♥When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
- ♥What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
- ♥What do you value most in a friendship?
- ♥What is your most treasured memory?